The Secret Diary of Steve Jobs

El Jobso rides again

By Steve

August 09, 2006

People, I had no idea. Honestly. But I feel the love, as Elton John says. And I'm totally sorry for going AWOL on everyone but here's what happened. I got an offer. Several offers, actually. Dudes wanting to put in money and build this thing into something real, and I'm like, Right on. Right friggin on. So I chose the guy who seemed least like an a-hole and took the money and I'll be honest it ain't life changing money, and in fact we need more, so if you know any angels or VCs send them my way, no shizzle. But here's the idea. We're gonna get like some Web designers and real hosting and a real domain and the whole works and make this a real deal, not just some crappy thing on Blogger, which, uh, as I guess most of you know, has some limitations. Like it seems to be down half the friggin time. So. For now we'll do it here while we get the new site up and running, which could take a while cause as you know I am all about the creativity and I want everything to be perfect and whatever they dream up and show me, the first few hundred I'm just gonna go, Nah, not right, try it again. Still not perfect. Keep trying. But we'll get there. And then maybe we'll sell this puppy to some big media company. And old FSJ will spend his life sitting on a beach sipping drinks from a coconut while hotties fan me with big like palm leaves. Or something.

But anyway. We've now got a VC on board and he's got this vision, cause they all have to have their friggin vision, right? Douchebags. Anyhoo. Instead of just having the Steve-inator write the whole blog, VC dude says let's have a team blog, with multiple members. A dream team is what he's calling it. And we'll take turns posting. I'm not sure if I like it but I'm going along with it for now and if don't work out, I take over again. But for now we've got me, as CEO, cause you know I ain't giving up control, so put down the marker and get the frig away from my whiteboard, a-hole! And the VC guy, Random Johnson [ ], who says he wants to post but honestly I can't imagine he'll have anything interesting to say and definitely the guy has zero sense of humor but whatever I gave him permission and maybe he'll come up with some gossip on deals or something. Next we got this open-source dude from Iceland named Hans-Olaf Gutmansdottir [ ] who appears to be out of his mind. Plus two really sharp dudes from the Valley that everyone knows, Chris Anderson [ ] of Wired and Kevin Rose [ ] of Digg. Ya. No shizzle. Talk about a friggin Dream Team. Only problem is, Blogger sucks ass so bad and we can't get the invitations to work. I'm not kidding. So for now it's just me until I can get these other idiots connected. Man the sooner we got off Blogger the better, as far as I'm concerned.

And hey, to the dude who's selling those T-shirts? I like them, man, but isn't there something kinda sick about adopting someone else's identity and then, like, making hay with it? Think about that. Peace out.

12:34 PM

So, about that keynote

This jagoff from Wired says my speech was uninspiring [,71557-0.html?tw=wn_index_6 ] and that I looked "very thin, almost gaunt." Let me tell you something, you'd look gaunt too if you'd spent a weekend having Jerry York shout at you from close range. The guy's got dog breath, by the way, and he spits when he gets mad. Not fun when you're sitting like two feet away from him. Anyway, Wired sucks. Honestly. We're pulling them out of our stores, immediamente if not sooner. Also, on the "Why did Steve look so gaunt" theme, let me share something with you. The friggin 7 Day Miracle Cleanse turns out to have some seriously bad side effects. I don't want to get too graphic but let me give you a one-word hint: Leakage. Yeah. So I called Paris DeAguero [ ], aka the Health Man, aka the a-hole who sells that crap on TV, and he's like, Steve, Steve, it's the herbs, Steve, the herbs, you can't do the program over and over like that, there's a disclaimer right on the box. So I look and sure enough, you turn the box over and there's this thing that looks like a bar code but if you put a magnifying glass on it there's a warning saying, like, don't use this stuff too much or it will cause your organs to liquefy and leak out of your butt. Paris DeAguero goes, Steve, Steve, look, don't get mad, don't put this on your blog, okay, let's keep this quiet, and I'm like, My blog? Frig the blog, pal, I'm gonna fly to Maui and bury you up to your neck on the beach at low tide. Seriously. And all this is happening on Sunday night, like hours before the keynote. So my doctor comes over with four kinds of medicine and a box of Depends. And I'm like, No way. No. Friggin. Way. He says they're not really diapers, more like a sanitary pad. And I'm like, Oh, well, that's a lot better. Really. Now I'm not freaked out at all. He tells me I can suit myself but if you get jeans that are one size too big nobody can tell. So I call Andy Grove, who is the one who put me on to the 7 Day Miracle Cleanse in the first place, and I tell him what's going on, and he goes, So what's the big deal, I wear those things all the time, makes life a lot easier, believe me. So what if a little tobacco juice squirts out of my hoo-ha, what do I care? But I'll tell you what, Steve, nobody wants to go swimming when I'm in the pool, I have noticed that.

So yeah. I was feeling a little gaunt on Monday. I wasn't at the top of my form. Like, sue me.

I've also seen complaints about us not announcing many products. The answer is yes, we did have more products to announce, but we held them back. Why? Mostly just to frig with that fat-ass know-it-all Scoble, who I'm happy to say had to issue an apology [ ] on his stupid blog. You know what? I honestly cannot believe that guy is a vice president of something or other at a real company. Can you? I mean look at the photo on his blog. He looks like a dishwasher at Denny's. And yet in the wonderful world of Web 2.0 he's a friggin guru, a media mogul, and a book author to boot. Hey, note to you, Scoble: Your book blows. So does your blog. Everybody at Microsoft used to laugh at you behind your back. And when this bubble bursts and the world regains its sanity you'll be back working out back at a Mexican restaurant where you belong.

Okay, sorry folks. I'm in a cranky mood. I'm living on vegetable broth and carrot juice. And then there's still the options crap hovering over us. I'm trying not to think about that too much. Hope you all do the same. Just think about products. Beautiful, shiny products that restore a sense of childlike wonder to your life. Peace out.

4:18 PM

Copyright 2006